If you’ve ever wanted to dip your toe into the world of rougher sex and BDSM but feel like it could be a potentially awkward convo, don’t worry. Having a sit-down talk with your partner beforehand is not only essential, it also actually makes it much easier in the moment when you are experimenting with said rougher sex, because you know you have limits and boundaries in place that you’ll both respect. That peace of mind can make it way easier to enjoy yourself in the moment, giving more of your attention to your pleasure and satisfaction.

Asking for rougher sex really does just boil down to having an actual Grown Ups Using Potentially Formal-Sounding Words discussion with your partner. It’s not as simple as just saying, “Be rougher!” because that could mean 40 different things and odds are, you’ll only want it to mean a very specific 10 things. Here’s how to do that.

1. DISCUSS LIMITS BEFOREHAND.

What’s on the table and what’s off the table for you? Don’t be afraid to ask specifically for what you would like to try, and see what your partner thinks. “If you are planning to try something new, such as spanking, impact play, biting, or scratching, make sure to discuss your intentions first with your partner,” says Candice Smith, cofounder of The KinkKit and resident sex expert for My First Blush. You’ll also want to set up a safe word ahead of time, so you both have an out if things go too far. Using stoplight codes can also be handy during rougher sex, says Smith. Saying “green” means you’re good, “yellow” is a warning to slow down, and “red” means stop.

2. START OFF WITH SOME IMPACT CALIBRATION.

Have your partner begin with some pressure and rate the feeling on a scale of 1 to 5 so you can let them know how much harder or softer to get, says Smith. After all, “harder” or “softer” can have a bajillion levels in between (not to mention different meanings for each person), so this is a good way of quantifying exactly where the sweet spot you’re looking for is. And don’t forget to do the same for them if you’re dominating them at some point!

3. GEAR UP ON THE EXTRA LUBE.

Just because it’s “rougher” sex doesn’t mean it has to be physically rougher like you’re grinding on sandpaper. Rough sex is always made better with extra lube, adds Smith. If you don’t know where to start on the lube front: This is a good beginner’s primer on exactly what kind of lube you can and can’t use with condoms and toys.

4. TELL THEM YOU WANT TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED, NO MORE, NO LESS.

I can’t stress enough the importance of having a pre-sex conversation about your own limits and making sure that your partner understands them—and I mean really, really understands them, not just gets the gist. You can even have them repeat them back to you to make sure you’re not playing a game of sexy telephone (Cut to: You whisper “light bondage” in their ear and somehow next thing you know, you’re in a sex swing with a whip like, “Not this at all! Nope! Noooope!”) or just walk them through it. So when you say, “I want you to tie my wrists above my head and then fuck me,” get out the tie and tell your partner when it’s tight enough but not too tight and then get into the position you want them to fuck you in. Which brings me to...

5. BYOP (BRING YOUR OWN PROPS).

If you want them to blindfold you and then they’re like, “Yeah sure! Where’s the blindfold?” and you’re like, “Oh, uh, I don’t have one because I was too busy thinking of a way to ask you to blindfold me without sounding like I was asking for a whole Fifty Shades scenario because I really just want to start there. At any rate, I didn’t pick one up,” that’ll put a pause on that right quick. Even if it’s just a T-shirt or a scarf, have it by the bed so when you ask and he says yes, you can go for it. (And back to the Fifty Shades thing, if you’re at their place, a tie makes a real nice blindfold or wrist binder.)

6. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START: HAIR-PULLING, SPANKING, WRIST-TYING, AND BLINDFOLDING ARE POPULAR ONES.

Ask them to tie your wrists above your head and do you missionary style (or he can just hold your hands up there with their hands). Or tie something soft over your eyes and then go down on you. Or pull your hair back during doggy-style. Or spank you as foreplay. All very hot options.

7. DON’T BE AFRAID TO SAY, “OH, HELL NO,” WHEN THEY’VE GONE TOO DAMN FAR.

If once you get into it, you realize “Eh, spanking isn’t for me” or “Ow, too hard! What the hell, Morgan?” you need to feel comfortable saying, “Back off, bro.” Seriously, do not engage in even the slightest amount of rough sex play if you feel like you can’t communicate your needs with them. Do it with someone you already know respects your boundaries (also if he doesn’t respect your boundaries, kindly show them the door and blast them on the internet for real because that person shouldn’t be having sex with anyone ever for life.)

8. OR SAY, "ACTUALLY, THAT WAS BARELY SPANKING. MY BUTT IS NOT A FLIMSY WATER BALLOON THAT WILL POP IF MISHANDLED. SERIOUSLY, SPANK ME.”

The average person who cares about you is probably going to start pretty light when you ask them to be rougher with you because they don’t want to hurt you. So if you’re not getting what you want, let them know, “You can actually do it a little bit harder” or “You can pull my hair even more and that’d be great,” because he has no way of knowing. Once he does, believe me, shit will get real in the best way.

9. YOU’LL KNOW WHEN IT’S RIGHT BECAUSE YOU’LL PROBABLY GET OFF CRAZY FAST.

After 5 minutes of doggy-style with too-soft spanks, they’ll finally give you a perfect, sharp spank and you’ll remember why you wanted to try this in the first place. Once you re-coagulate from the puddle you melted into on the floor, you can try it again, and this time, they’ll know exactly what you mean when you say, “Hard, but not like full-slap hard.”

10. BE PREPARED TO SPANK THEM RIGHT BACK.

By bringing up getting rougher in bed, you’re not just inviting them to spank you a little, you’re opening up the sexual conversation. Which is honestly the best thing you’ll ever do for your sex life but can also be kind of intimidating. Be ready for them to ask for a little bondage, too, and be open to it. Who knows, you might end up liking being the Queen of Bed (aka the domme).

11. REMEMBER THAT THERE IS NO KINKY SEX TUTOR WHO WILL BE GRADING YOU ON YOUR KINKY SEX PERFORMANCE.

Everything I just said is great and all, but don’t be too concerned about doing things “the right way” because you’ll find it as you go. If the first time they spank you, it feels like they’re pressing their thumbs in bread dough and you want to laugh, laugh. If the first time they put handcuffs on you, the handcuffs get stuck and won’t close all the way, no big deal. It won’t be perfect, but if nothing else, it’s a great way to work on your ability ask for what you want. To conclude: You’re never going to get that crazy sex-all-over-the-place complete with hair pulling and ass slapping unless you specifically ask. (And seriously bring cute props. T-shirts are cool, but a leather blindfold that makes you feel like Catwoman is cooler.)